


Count to ( )

by Masaomi (TheTacticianMagician)



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: F/M, Gen, Living Together, M/M, POV First Person, Unrequited, whatever this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 02:58:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11660199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTacticianMagician/pseuds/Masaomi
Summary: They probably know about my longing, at least I have to assume that, because I'm bad at hiding things. But it's not like they should do anything about it if they do.





	Count to ( )

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure why I wrote this. It's not like. Good or properly built or anything. It's just garbage wreck piled on garbage wreck. Like me.  
> Kinda stream of consciousness. (??) and venting.

It's  been a while, but at the same time not really.   
  
I don't have a job yet, but that makes sense for the guy who dropped out of highschool and never finished it.   
  
Instead I live with Mikado and Anri- the three of us moved in together, which makes costs and everything easier. They both work, and I take care of the house. Cooking is fine, cleaning isn't all that bad, and I look cute in an apron.   
  
Anri and Mikado are dating (finally) and it's nice to see. I know that it's true, that it's cute and nice and lovely and that I'm happy for them, so I try to curb the creeping pain of  _ I wish they'd look at me like they look at each other _ or  _ I wish I could ask for kisses without seeming desperate or depraved _ .   
  
It doesn't actually go away but I still take well to the hugs and pats on the head and cuddles that I can get. Somehow it feels like I belong here. It's not like they deserve someone like me - right? I wouldn't know.   
  
They probably know about my longing, at least I have to assume that, because I'm bad at hiding things. But it's not like they should do anything about it if they do. When I buy a pet collar for myself - a normal pure orange one and not one with writing saying that I belong to Mikado and Anri like it sometimes appears in fleeting dreams - it really has no passive-aggressiveness at all, I just like it, I think it fits, and I wonder if they might be worrying more about my mental state then.   
  
I mean, this is more than I could ever ask for, living with them. Having them forgive me for being a coward, for keeping secrets. Being able to protect them from where I am, because I recall the anxiety curling in my stomach when I thought of them alone in their previous, hardly safe-looking houses, getting targeted as it had already happened.   
  
Sometime I'll get a job, probably part-time. Being able to keep looking out for our house would be nice. Being able to scream out their names passionately as I stroke myself to completion like I used to do back in my apartment would also be nice.   
  
The thought of either of them coming across me in one of these moments is both nerve-wracking and shamefully hot. I wouldn't want to risk it, even though... it's really not surprising.   
  
I wish these thoughts would stop, too. They just make things even harder. In every way. It's not that I think Mikado or even Anri are some kinda pure untainted angels, they really aren't, but I don't - belong in that circle. I live with them and we support each other but they're the ones who will get married. And that's good. That's good. That's good.   
  
I wish it didn't take a toll on me. I wish I could take what I have and be happy with it, but I'm just weak. I may be an adult but I might as well have the stupid frailty of when I was 13. Which reminds me I should go back to practicing to not lose my fighting edge. My legs and arms and every phantom reminder of broken bones and twists and cuts and bruises tingles under my skin and I grit my teeth to toll away the shudder. I'm not alive to watch myself become weaker, to go through almost losing important things again.   
  
They don't really need my protection, but I'm still here.   
  
Soaking up my hair after re-dyeing it one of these days, I look up at my shirtless reflection with a collar around the neck and bags under my eyes and think wow, my entire life went wrong multiple times didn't it.   
  
I have enough good looks that I could probably still salvage a job. People wouldn't really be able to recognize me as a former gang leader, right? And they don't need to know about all my scars and times I've spent in the hospital either. Someone other than Izaya's gotta be able to employ me.   
  
  
Anri's slicing and dicing some stuff in the kitchen. Me and Mikado eased Anri into not feeling so bad about Saika, and though Mikado gave me a look when I said she could use the blade for cooking, in the end things went fine. Saika could only extend her conscious spirit to animals, so vegetables were harmless to get cut with her.   
  
"Good morning, Masaomi." She greeted me with her adorable and huggable voice. Which was her normal voice.    
  
"Morning, Anri." I nuzzle her hair as I walk by, which is not the kiss on the lips that Mikado usually gives her but might be one of the few things I can do without pushing my luck.   
  
I feel her eyes on me when I go for the cabinets, and I don't know if it's one of those sad (pity?) looks that I sometimes catch them giving me or if she's wondering what I'm gonna get for breakfast when I should be getting ready for lunch instead.   
  
"Did Mikado go somewhere already?" I ask casually while picking up bread and some old crackers. We've been getting him to not turn the night browsing the internet but old habits can die hard, so it was either that or he was crashed out.   
  
"Oh, no, he's in bed still." Anri answered, the blade on her palm lengthening to slide aside what she'd already cut before shrinking back to a more normal-sized tool. It was still fascinating to watch despite the- has it been two years now? "I think he slept well, so maybe you can convince him to get up."   
  
They've been sleeping on the same bed for a while, so probably Anri just wanted to let him sleep some more when she awoke. I might know the reason he's tired but it's difficult to know what's a half-awake dream and what is reality sometimes. At this point either is equally likely. If so I should maybe be surprised at how astonishingly well my imagination of the noises they make matches the real thing.   
  
  
Mikado is indeed still asleep on the bed when I come in, but he's not the heaviest sleeper so his half-lidded heavy blue eyes soon meet the sight of freshly blond hair with a towel around shoulders.   
  
He doesn't know what time it is. Neither do I, really. Maybe eleven-something.   
  
Mikado yawns and despite being an adult now he somehow appears to retain some of the cuteness of kid Mikado on his face. "Work held me back yesterday... So I came home later. Sorry that I couldn't have dinner here."   
  
"It's okay, that's also how you earn more trust from your employers, right? You're still as much of a class rep as ever~" I say lightly, because I need a distraction from his bare collarbones and shoulder.   
  
"Anri told me you helped protect her merchandise yesterday." He sleepily brought his hand out of the blankets and ruffled my hair. "I'm glad I can trust you, Masaomi."   
  
If he means it, then I'm glad, too.   



End file.
